Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Problem or inconvenience?
What is the difference between an inconvenience and a problem? A matter of degree, I suppose. In my mind, a problem you need to deal with and an inconvenience or annoyance you just tolerate until it gets to be a problem, if it ever does.
When I first bought Lakota she didn’t want to come when called. That was a problem. Running around a field to catch her was not my idea of a good time. So I took her into the round pen and very quickly she learned to come when called. We had to practice it a few times in different locations but the result was the same, she comes when called.
Right now, if we are just heading out for a trail ride, she moves off a few steps as I am getting on. That is annoying but to me it isn’t a problem. As soon as we get very far she no longer has the urge to move off ahead of me. She gets crabby if I want to ride and it is feeding time. That is annoying. Sometimes she gets goofy when I put the saddle on or off the right side. That is annoying. If she wanted to buck, now that would be a problem. If she wanted to run away with me, that would be a problem.
To me, if I am going to get badly hurt, that is a problem. If there is a problem, I like to get it solved as soon as I can, so that Lakota and I can go back to having a wonderful partnership. If I am doing something wrong, or not communicating what I want clearly, then I need to fix my side of the problem. I could have put a piece of equipment on her that doesn’t fit or is uncomfortable. She could not be feeling well or be hurting. I need to take all that into consideration when figuring out how to handle the problem.
I have a friend whose horse fights being bridled every day. He is extremely head shy. To me that is a problem that needs to be fixed before he hurts her badly. A head shy horse that catches anything on his ears on a trail ride - like a branch or clothing - could totally flake out in fear and toss her. But to her, it is an inconvenience. That is their relationship, not mine.
In our partnerships it very similar. We all do things differently. The proverbial tooth paste squeezing is a perfect example. If you have a real problem that is hurting you in your relationship, you need to speak up in order to fix it. You can’t expect your lover to be a mind reader. If it is an annoyance, understand that you probably just have a different point of view. Accept your lover for all their individual, unique characteristics. Make a decision and state it clearly. Our horse can’t guess what we want and neither can our spouse. Am I really going to get hurt with this behavior or am I just going to be picking up dirty socks?
Sale Day
I think the most difficult day in the life of a horse owner can be the day that you decide to give up your mount. Of course, it depends on how attached you are and how much effort you have made to make the partnership work. It is similar to a relationship break up. At the end, it doesn't matter who did what; it just isn’t working for either of you. This is the day you decide to send him on down the road.
You think back on the day you brought him home. You were filled with joy, anticipation, dreams of the future together – your horse, that is. Everything was magical at the beginning. He was powerful, courageous, just gorgeous and you were so proud. You were a match made in heaven. After awhile things started going south. You couldn’t communicate. He wouldn’t listen. You didn’t feel that he was paying attention to you. You started getting louder or harsher. He became more rebellious and irritated. Eventually you wondered what you ever saw in him in the first place. Stupid Neanderthal. Someone else comes along that sees what you saw once and you hand over the reins and say “good riddance.”
If only it was that simple. Right?
I have had a couple horses that I had to sell and the rest lived out long healthy lives with us for over 25 years. The two I had to sell really broke my heart. Well one anyway. One was just mean and lazy and I should have seen that coming. I thought it was so great that he was so calm…until he tried to buck me off every time I asked him to show some effort. The other was a thoroughbred off the race track, London Breeze. A painting of him still hangs over my dining room table. My gosh, I loved that gelding. Opposite, oh yes. He would totally come unglued at the slightest noise or gum wrapper on the ground and run away with me, bucking all the while. I worked with him for four years, taking him from trainer to trainer. All I got from that was broken bones, hematomas and bruises. London could just not get his fear under control. His tendency to run and buck outweighed all my good intentions and exertion.
My ex-husband used to say, “I can’t believe you still love that horse. If I ever broke a bone of yours, you’d have sent me packing a long time ago.” It was so true.
Sometimes there is something about our partner that is detrimental to the relationship that we think we can fix, overlook or get used to at the beginning. Occasionally it is something that we don’t even see. I make the analogy between people running away – like getting in their cars and refusing to communicate and bucking – “seeing” other people on the side. That is a tendency that makes a real partnership impossible. You can only put up with running and bucking so long before you have to send that horse packing.
There is a time when you must decide how willing are you to spend more time trying to change a behavior. Is it a habit you can live with or not? Are you going to invest more energy into altering this pattern or accept that horse/person as is? Where do you see yourself with this partnership in the long run? How pleasurable will it be? Some people and horses have habits and predispositions that you will never change.
All your dreams may appear dashed for a short time until you find a new steed that is perfect for you. Once more, you mount up, feel the wind in your hair, fly across open fields and wind along wooded trails. You will always love the horse you sent away and realize they, too, are happier in their new life.
You think back on the day you brought him home. You were filled with joy, anticipation, dreams of the future together – your horse, that is. Everything was magical at the beginning. He was powerful, courageous, just gorgeous and you were so proud. You were a match made in heaven. After awhile things started going south. You couldn’t communicate. He wouldn’t listen. You didn’t feel that he was paying attention to you. You started getting louder or harsher. He became more rebellious and irritated. Eventually you wondered what you ever saw in him in the first place. Stupid Neanderthal. Someone else comes along that sees what you saw once and you hand over the reins and say “good riddance.”
If only it was that simple. Right?
I have had a couple horses that I had to sell and the rest lived out long healthy lives with us for over 25 years. The two I had to sell really broke my heart. Well one anyway. One was just mean and lazy and I should have seen that coming. I thought it was so great that he was so calm…until he tried to buck me off every time I asked him to show some effort. The other was a thoroughbred off the race track, London Breeze. A painting of him still hangs over my dining room table. My gosh, I loved that gelding. Opposite, oh yes. He would totally come unglued at the slightest noise or gum wrapper on the ground and run away with me, bucking all the while. I worked with him for four years, taking him from trainer to trainer. All I got from that was broken bones, hematomas and bruises. London could just not get his fear under control. His tendency to run and buck outweighed all my good intentions and exertion.
My ex-husband used to say, “I can’t believe you still love that horse. If I ever broke a bone of yours, you’d have sent me packing a long time ago.” It was so true.
Sometimes there is something about our partner that is detrimental to the relationship that we think we can fix, overlook or get used to at the beginning. Occasionally it is something that we don’t even see. I make the analogy between people running away – like getting in their cars and refusing to communicate and bucking – “seeing” other people on the side. That is a tendency that makes a real partnership impossible. You can only put up with running and bucking so long before you have to send that horse packing.
There is a time when you must decide how willing are you to spend more time trying to change a behavior. Is it a habit you can live with or not? Are you going to invest more energy into altering this pattern or accept that horse/person as is? Where do you see yourself with this partnership in the long run? How pleasurable will it be?
All your dreams may appear dashed for a short time until you find a new steed that is perfect for you. Once more, you mount up, feel the wind in your hair, fly across open fields and wind along wooded trails. You will always love the horse you sent away and realize they, too, are happier in their new life.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Giving
Now tell me, is this a work of art, or what? I enjoy my time with Lakota even if it is too windy and dusty to ride. I enjoy fussing over her. It is the way it makes me feel to see her happy.
It is the same with a partner. I love to cook and fuss over my companion. It is not what I get back from the doing, it is how I feel about the giving. It is something for all of us to remember. Do not give to get. You will be disappointed. Give for the joy of giving. Think about who you are choosing to be in the relationship. Are you choosing to be loving, kind, generous and supportive? We can all feel "in love" even if we are not with someone at this time. Love is a choice. We can open our hearts and be in love with the trees, the lakes, our pets, all of nature and its creatures. We dont have to wait for that romantic someone to arrive. Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, breathe deeply and allow your heart to open. Feel the tingle of being in love with all around you.
Now tell me, is this a work of art, or what? I enjoy my time with Lakota even if it is too windy and dusty to ride. I enjoy fussing over her. It is the way it makes me feel to see her happy.
It is the same with a partner. I love to cook and fuss over my companion. It is not what I get back from the doing, it is how I feel about the giving. It is something for all of us to remember. Do not give to get. You will be disappointed. Give for the joy of giving. Think about who you are choosing to be in the relationship. Are you choosing to be loving, kind, generous and supportive? We can all feel "in love" even if we are not with someone at this time. Love is a choice. We can open our hearts and be in love with the trees, the lakes, our pets, all of nature and its creatures. We dont have to wait for that romantic someone to arrive. Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, breathe deeply and allow your heart to open. Feel the tingle of being in love with all around you.
Enthusiasm
Last night I couldn't wait to get to the barn to see my horse. Why? Because we had had such a perfect weekend together. I had enjoyed her more than I had any time before. I took her on trail rides and she hadn’t stopped to grab grass; she had loped away from the barn; she didn’t spook at all the scary junk cars and old farm equipment in the long grass. I had ridden her bareback and she had responded beautifully to every touch of my leg and shift in my weight. She was responsive and our communication was clear and harmonious. What a pleasure. I cant wait to see her again.
Isn’t that like our relationships? When you have had a weekend of arguing or conflict, how badly do you want to spend time with your mate on your next day off? I think you’ll be making other plans. But if you feel validated by your lover, you feel heard and respected by your conversations – you can’t wait to spend more time together.
Isn’t that like our relationships? When you have had a weekend of arguing or conflict, how badly do you want to spend time with your mate on your next day off? I think you’ll be making other plans. But if you feel validated by your lover, you feel heard and respected by your conversations – you can’t wait to spend more time together.
You can always choose between being right and being happy in a discussion. What is more important to you? Do you want your mate to be enthusiastic about spending time with you again or will you be making it a chore? It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your partner at all times, it only means that you are not willing to be drawn into conflict. Let your mate know that you hear them and respect them; you may choose to disagree but will not engage in negative feelings. You choose peace.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Clear communication
I went to bed reading a reining book and this morning watched youtube videos on long lining/reining. The examples they used for the long lining was teaching the piaffe for dressage. How cool would that be? To have a horse that could rein and do dressage. Since I had today off for the 4th of July, I went out to see Lakota to practice some of my newly gained knowledge.
I had been trotting at a diagonal a couple days ago under saddle and thought we'd try that with the long lines. The trainer on the video said to use the reins on the horses side just like your leg. The reining book said the most important part of the training was to be able to create supple circles with just the right arc. I tried applying "leg" to her side and she sped up. I pulled on both reins to slow her down and we lost the circle. I used the voice commands that we have been practicing. That worked a little better. The lines were hard to gather up and keep from tangling around my legs. When I pulled on the inside rein to have her supple, I needed to hold the outside rein to keep the circle from getting smaller. Lakota is not used to all this contact. It did not look like the video. She was not breaking at the poll or creating an arc in her neck.
I could feel my frustration mounting. I knew that I was not being clear and she had no idea what I wanted from her. Lakota was trying. I had to stop the whole situation and pet her and praise her. I had to take a mental step back.
I thought about how that happens in relationships. When we are trying to get an idea across to our mate, they can stare at us blankly. They may have no idea why we are having the emotions we are or looking at an issue from a certain perspective. We get frustrated because we think we are being perfectly clear. We can raise our voice or get read in the face or get all riled up. Our partner still doesnt know what we want.
We need to take a step back. A ten minute or even ten second break might be enough to rearrange our approach. Think about our mate. Are they trying to understand? Do we have their full attenion? If they are then cut them some slack. It could be us that is in needs of clarifying our desires. Sometimes all we want is a hug or a romantic gesture, yet we end up talking in circles about the trash, the laundry and the lawn. No wonder our mate is not responding to our cues, we are applying so many aids, that he is confused.
I ended up taking Lakota back to where we were doing side passes and then we got our diagonal walk. I kept praising her for trying to figure out what I wanted. Our partner would love to hear from us, "I can see that you are trying to understand me and I am appreciative. I am just having a difficult time clarifying what I need. I'll try another way of saying it." How nice to hear that your efforts are being recongnized. How much more willing your spouse would be to continue listening.
I had been trotting at a diagonal a couple days ago under saddle and thought we'd try that with the long lines. The trainer on the video said to use the reins on the horses side just like your leg. The reining book said the most important part of the training was to be able to create supple circles with just the right arc. I tried applying "leg" to her side and she sped up. I pulled on both reins to slow her down and we lost the circle. I used the voice commands that we have been practicing. That worked a little better. The lines were hard to gather up and keep from tangling around my legs. When I pulled on the inside rein to have her supple, I needed to hold the outside rein to keep the circle from getting smaller. Lakota is not used to all this contact. It did not look like the video. She was not breaking at the poll or creating an arc in her neck.
I could feel my frustration mounting. I knew that I was not being clear and she had no idea what I wanted from her. Lakota was trying. I had to stop the whole situation and pet her and praise her. I had to take a mental step back.
I thought about how that happens in relationships. When we are trying to get an idea across to our mate, they can stare at us blankly. They may have no idea why we are having the emotions we are or looking at an issue from a certain perspective. We get frustrated because we think we are being perfectly clear. We can raise our voice or get read in the face or get all riled up. Our partner still doesnt know what we want.
We need to take a step back. A ten minute or even ten second break might be enough to rearrange our approach. Think about our mate. Are they trying to understand? Do we have their full attenion? If they are then cut them some slack. It could be us that is in needs of clarifying our desires. Sometimes all we want is a hug or a romantic gesture, yet we end up talking in circles about the trash, the laundry and the lawn. No wonder our mate is not responding to our cues, we are applying so many aids, that he is confused.
I ended up taking Lakota back to where we were doing side passes and then we got our diagonal walk. I kept praising her for trying to figure out what I wanted. Our partner would love to hear from us, "I can see that you are trying to understand me and I am appreciative. I am just having a difficult time clarifying what I need. I'll try another way of saying it." How nice to hear that your efforts are being recongnized. How much more willing your spouse would be to continue listening.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Treats
If we know what makes our horse happy and we go out of our way to do it, then why is it a challenge to do those things in our relationship? I am assuming that we give our horses treats, grooming, nutritious feed and a dry place to sleep in order to create a bond, so that we get our needs met from the horse. What my horse can do for me, is be obedient on trail rides, cattle drives, competitions and whatever else I might want to do. This is probably not in her mind, just mine. It makes me feel good to give her a graham cracker or carrot after she has performed well. It satisfies something in me. It makes me feel fulfilled in some small way to scratch her where she likes it and take her out into the fresh grass.
I feel the same about relationships with people. It makes me feel good to cook my beloved's favorite food, or massage his calves after a busy day or send a card to let him know I am thinking of him. These are like giving our horse treats.
I told a man I dated, that I really wanted to plan on doing something with him on Friday nights. It didnt matter what - a movie, a hike, a dinner, anything at all. I just wanted to know he would make time for me. He couldnt do it. Every week was a different reason why. When I pushed him on it, he said, " I dont want to. I used to do the Monday through Friday thing and I dont now." What he was saying is that, "I know you want something and I could give it but I dont want to. Your needs are not important to me." It would have been such a treat for me to have him available on those evenings. I would have wanted to treat him in return. Instead it became a point of contention instead of a place of bonding. Would we withhold food and water from our horse and expect him to perform for us?
Everyone likes to be treated. It makes us feel special in our lover's eyes. It makes us feel appreciated and nurtured. Give your mate the same attention you give your horse and watch the transformation in your relationship.
I feel the same about relationships with people. It makes me feel good to cook my beloved's favorite food, or massage his calves after a busy day or send a card to let him know I am thinking of him. These are like giving our horse treats.
I told a man I dated, that I really wanted to plan on doing something with him on Friday nights. It didnt matter what - a movie, a hike, a dinner, anything at all. I just wanted to know he would make time for me. He couldnt do it. Every week was a different reason why. When I pushed him on it, he said, " I dont want to. I used to do the Monday through Friday thing and I dont now." What he was saying is that, "I know you want something and I could give it but I dont want to. Your needs are not important to me." It would have been such a treat for me to have him available on those evenings. I would have wanted to treat him in return. Instead it became a point of contention instead of a place of bonding. Would we withhold food and water from our horse and expect him to perform for us?
Everyone likes to be treated. It makes us feel special in our lover's eyes. It makes us feel appreciated and nurtured. Give your mate the same attention you give your horse and watch the transformation in your relationship.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Behind every successful horse...
I was thinking about the quote "Behind every successful man is ...a woman." This thought came to me as I was walking behind my horse using long lines. I thought, well behind every winning horse is a ...trainer...or rider...
We shouldn't think of the first quote as a criticism. What is the purpose of a realtionship of it isnt to find support and comfort?
For non-horse owners, long lining is kind of like driving a horse and carraige without the carriage. The trainer walks behind or near the horse using two very long line that go from the trainers hands and attach to the bit in the horse's mouth. It can a precursor to driving a carraige or can be a way of safely getting horses through their fear of obstacles or anything that scares them. Being on the ground allows the rider to stay safer in unpredictable situations.
Ok, so on with this. I used this technique to get Lakota over her fear of mud and water. I am riding and long lining her over water repeatedly to instill her confidence. When she gets scared I can see her take a peek to make sure I am still behind her. I talk to her reassuringly. I coax her when she gets stuck. Once in a while, I take a short whip and persuade her to try another step. I only do this when I know she is no longer afraid, just distracted.
When our mate needs support, we can be there offering our reassurance and helping instill confidence. We dont want to add to the fear or force them into something that is against their will. It could be a career move, or an investment decision or a new location. We want to help our loved one get past their fear in order to be successful and happy. Sometimes when we get wallowing in our emotions or paralyzed by indecision, we do need a kick in the pants - in a kind way.
Someday Lakota may be eventing or competing in trail obstacles. Her fear of the water would hinder her progress. I can feel happy that I was behind her and helped her conquer her fear with a loving, yet strong hand. We can be that in our relationships, too.
We shouldn't think of the first quote as a criticism. What is the purpose of a realtionship of it isnt to find support and comfort?
For non-horse owners, long lining is kind of like driving a horse and carraige without the carriage. The trainer walks behind or near the horse using two very long line that go from the trainers hands and attach to the bit in the horse's mouth. It can a precursor to driving a carraige or can be a way of safely getting horses through their fear of obstacles or anything that scares them. Being on the ground allows the rider to stay safer in unpredictable situations.
Ok, so on with this. I used this technique to get Lakota over her fear of mud and water. I am riding and long lining her over water repeatedly to instill her confidence. When she gets scared I can see her take a peek to make sure I am still behind her. I talk to her reassuringly. I coax her when she gets stuck. Once in a while, I take a short whip and persuade her to try another step. I only do this when I know she is no longer afraid, just distracted.
When our mate needs support, we can be there offering our reassurance and helping instill confidence. We dont want to add to the fear or force them into something that is against their will. It could be a career move, or an investment decision or a new location. We want to help our loved one get past their fear in order to be successful and happy. Sometimes when we get wallowing in our emotions or paralyzed by indecision, we do need a kick in the pants - in a kind way.
Someday Lakota may be eventing or competing in trail obstacles. Her fear of the water would hinder her progress. I can feel happy that I was behind her and helped her conquer her fear with a loving, yet strong hand. We can be that in our relationships, too.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Time
I was at the barn tonight after a long day at work. I didnt have the energy to tack and begin training, so I just played a bit with Lakota and some long lines. I rigged up parts of an old harness and practiced a few moves. A friend told me a couple days ago that she read a trainer's tip. He said that working with your horse only 15 minutes a day was better than 2 hours twice a week. Makes sense to me.
Isnt our relationship like that? Doesnt our mate respond, seem happier and easier to get along with when we spend a few minutes every day expressing our affection and appreciation? If we only say, "I love you, or thank you, or I'm so glad you're here" on vacation or on special occasions, we wont have the consistency and intimacy we really desire. If everyday we could remember to take that 10-15 minutes to give gratitude to our love, what a wonderful life it would be. I know how it would make me feel - treasured.
Isnt our relationship like that? Doesnt our mate respond, seem happier and easier to get along with when we spend a few minutes every day expressing our affection and appreciation? If we only say, "I love you, or thank you, or I'm so glad you're here" on vacation or on special occasions, we wont have the consistency and intimacy we really desire. If everyday we could remember to take that 10-15 minutes to give gratitude to our love, what a wonderful life it would be. I know how it would make me feel - treasured.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Making plans
I went to the barn today to work on transitions with Lakota. Since our little speed control problem on the cattle drive, I figured we should practice lope to trot, trot to walk, walk to lope, lope to stop - you know. Work on the brake system. I took her to the arena and mounted and after a couple minutes pushed her into a trot. She would have none of that. Lakota was throwing a fit. She hadnt been let out on grass for several days and that's all she could think about. We had worked on circling and softening in the arena the night before and she hadnt had her usual grass treat after. I had upset her routine. I one rein stopped her and dismounted. I grabbed a lunge rope and whip and quickly returned to transitions from the ground. I decided to use two line and work on driving or long lining. Stacia had worked Lakota through some attitude issues in this manner but I had never tried it. She immediately framed up and softened. Up to the trot, up to the lope, down to a walk. Ok now I had her going willingly...let's try the water.
I took her out to the back pasture where the road was flooded and the pasture was mucky. Perfect. Just the conditions that scared her. I could use the long lines from behind, through her stirrups, up to her bridle and clipped to her bit. She saw the water from way off and halted. I let her relax and eat some grass along the roadway. I moved her forward a few steps at a time, speaking reassuringly and letting her relax closer and closer. It was a sunny Saturday and I had all the time in the world. The flooded road was at least 100 yards of dark water so I decided to take her across sideways to start. This way she only had to cross about 6-8 ft of water and muck before landing in a patch of grass. I didnt let her escape either direction but just stand straight facing the water. I was calm and encouraging. It didnt take 20 minutes before she was crossing back and forth over the 8 ft section. Once she had that conquered, I turned her upstream and had her walk right down the deep part of the road lengthwise. She was great. The far end had a more boggy bottom and was another 10 minute exercise to cross. Each time she got her courage up and faced her fear, I let her have some grass. We walked up and down this mucky road for about 30 minutes. I unhooked the lines and jumped back on her. Having a rider on board would be a different sensation. I was pleased that only after a minor hesitation did she splash and play and trot down the water filled road like a champ. I wish there had been someone to take a photo; it would have been pretty to see her splashing through that water. We were both happy and having fun at the end of this lesson.
So now the relationship analogy. I was not prepared to be working in the water. I had my cowboy boots and jeans on for riding. My plan for the day was to work on transitions in the arena. At the end of this lesson I was mud and water up to my knees. My boots were soaked through, my jeans were 6" longer and filthy.
Sometimes you just have to be willing to shift gears in a heart beat. What if we have plans to go fishing or go to a game and we see that our partner needs help from us? What if our partner begins to tell us something that really needs more time and attention then we were planning? Are we able to switch our plans quickly and adapt to the moment for the benefit of our relationship? We dont want to rush our mate through a conversation because we wanted to do something else. It's good for us in the long run to change gears and put the time in when the iron is hot - so to speak. With Lakota, I took advantage of a teachable moment. I was investing time into an issue we had that would come up again and again if I didnt deal with it then. It is so easy to sweep things under the rug in our relationship; to think, "I'll deal with it later. I'm busy right now, I have plans".
Lakota is not the best horse and I do not pretend to be the best trainer. But we are partners right now. I could have whipped her when she became obstinate in the arena. I just put her energy to work. I kept myself safe and went on with a lesson.
Lakota teaches me to be a better person. I practice patience, kindness and loyalty with her. I get frustrated, I get tired. Those are the times I refrain from communicating with her through training. The same goes for relationship. There are times when we should count to ten or take a time out before we have a conversation. It does not mean that we avoid the conversation, it just means we calm down, think things over and present them respectfully with good intention. Reacting quickly, with sharp words that cut, is just like grabbing a whip and beating the horse when you dont get the response you want. It just makes the horse afraid and takes away that want to attitude. Being calm and consistent brings you closer together - with your lover or with your horse. Be flexible and adaptable. Think about the long term goal.
I took her out to the back pasture where the road was flooded and the pasture was mucky. Perfect. Just the conditions that scared her. I could use the long lines from behind, through her stirrups, up to her bridle and clipped to her bit. She saw the water from way off and halted. I let her relax and eat some grass along the roadway. I moved her forward a few steps at a time, speaking reassuringly and letting her relax closer and closer. It was a sunny Saturday and I had all the time in the world. The flooded road was at least 100 yards of dark water so I decided to take her across sideways to start. This way she only had to cross about 6-8 ft of water and muck before landing in a patch of grass. I didnt let her escape either direction but just stand straight facing the water. I was calm and encouraging. It didnt take 20 minutes before she was crossing back and forth over the 8 ft section. Once she had that conquered, I turned her upstream and had her walk right down the deep part of the road lengthwise. She was great. The far end had a more boggy bottom and was another 10 minute exercise to cross. Each time she got her courage up and faced her fear, I let her have some grass. We walked up and down this mucky road for about 30 minutes. I unhooked the lines and jumped back on her. Having a rider on board would be a different sensation. I was pleased that only after a minor hesitation did she splash and play and trot down the water filled road like a champ. I wish there had been someone to take a photo; it would have been pretty to see her splashing through that water. We were both happy and having fun at the end of this lesson.
So now the relationship analogy. I was not prepared to be working in the water. I had my cowboy boots and jeans on for riding. My plan for the day was to work on transitions in the arena. At the end of this lesson I was mud and water up to my knees. My boots were soaked through, my jeans were 6" longer and filthy.
Sometimes you just have to be willing to shift gears in a heart beat. What if we have plans to go fishing or go to a game and we see that our partner needs help from us? What if our partner begins to tell us something that really needs more time and attention then we were planning? Are we able to switch our plans quickly and adapt to the moment for the benefit of our relationship? We dont want to rush our mate through a conversation because we wanted to do something else. It's good for us in the long run to change gears and put the time in when the iron is hot - so to speak. With Lakota, I took advantage of a teachable moment. I was investing time into an issue we had that would come up again and again if I didnt deal with it then. It is so easy to sweep things under the rug in our relationship; to think, "I'll deal with it later. I'm busy right now, I have plans".
Lakota is not the best horse and I do not pretend to be the best trainer. But we are partners right now. I could have whipped her when she became obstinate in the arena. I just put her energy to work. I kept myself safe and went on with a lesson.
Lakota teaches me to be a better person. I practice patience, kindness and loyalty with her. I get frustrated, I get tired. Those are the times I refrain from communicating with her through training. The same goes for relationship. There are times when we should count to ten or take a time out before we have a conversation. It does not mean that we avoid the conversation, it just means we calm down, think things over and present them respectfully with good intention. Reacting quickly, with sharp words that cut, is just like grabbing a whip and beating the horse when you dont get the response you want. It just makes the horse afraid and takes away that want to attitude. Being calm and consistent brings you closer together - with your lover or with your horse. Be flexible and adaptable. Think about the long term goal.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Crossing water
I went on a cattle drive last Sunday. It was a lot of fun. I had been anticipating having my own horse and going on a ride like this for years. It all came together inspite of trailering issues, pouring rain and a hectic work scheduling conflict. My horse, Lakota, had recently gotten over her fear of crossing water, or so I thought. Not ten minutes into the ride, she refused to cross a boggy stream. I couldn't believe it, well yes, I could. Are you kidding me? Everyone was already kidding me about having a mare and on top of that - a paint. all the cows and other horses were crossing the far pasture and now she panicked. She was equally afraid of the water and mud as she was of being left by the herd. She began to buck and rear up. This was not the time to train. I got off and led her across the water. Of course, in her hurry, she knocked me in the mud and I was soaked but we were across. I jumped back on and off we went.
I have had people tell me, "You should have jabbed her with spurs, you should have done this or that." We could have had a wreck and both gotten hurt. She was scared. You can't yell at a child and demand they stop being afraid of the dark. Fear is fear. I need to do more homework and get her over her fear in a safe place where neither of us gets injured. There is a time and place for everything.
If you are in a relationship and one of you shares a fear, you cant demand that that person get over it. Feeling safe emotionally and physically comes with consistency. Trust is built when a safe outcome can be expected over and over. I was upset at Lakota that day for sure but I did my best to get over it quickly. We've worked on the water issue. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Obviously, if she is still scared, then I have more work to do. There is no place for anger in training or communication.
If I had a lover that was afraid of abandonment because of something in his past, I would do my best to understand and be consistent. Consistency builds trust. On the flip side, I would expect him to look at at his fear and work with it on his end,also. Being willing to share our fears and conquering our fears together only makes us stronger and deepens our intimacy. Find the right time and the right place to heal these old wounds. I'm off to work on water with Lakota.
Perspective
Recently I took my horse to a trainer to help me work some stiffness out of my horse. I felt Lakota was heavy on the front end and wasn’t very supple. Her movements were rigid. I thought it must have to do with her reining background. I had a few other “bugs” I wanted to work out before trail riding season started.
Within the first two days, Stacia, my new trainer, said, “Lakota is ignoring you in the round pen, she is walking over you in the stall, she is fearful of anything on her right side, and she is resistant to making an effort.” I was aghast. Surely, I would have seen these things. When I watched Stacia work with Lakota, I could see how these things were true. I said to her, “I can’t believe I didn’t see this with her myself.” Stacia laughed and replied, “Isn’t this just like our relationships? We just don’t see it when we are that close.”
I thought of so many different ways to follow up this observation that I became "speechless." It could be that sometimes it takes an outside person to help us realize what is actually happening. It could be that sometimes things in our relationships start out so small that we dont catch them, they grow without us noticing and then one day - bam - they are right in our face and we cant figure out how that happened. Our horse doesnt start out running over us, it happens in increments when we dont pay attention and nip it in the bud. He just pushes the envelope ever so slowly until we say - "Hey! Enough!" So many ways to look at this.
Within the first two days, Stacia, my new trainer, said, “Lakota is ignoring you in the round pen, she is walking over you in the stall, she is fearful of anything on her right side, and she is resistant to making an effort.” I was aghast. Surely, I would have seen these things. When I watched Stacia work with Lakota, I could see how these things were true. I said to her, “I can’t believe I didn’t see this with her myself.” Stacia laughed and replied, “Isn’t this just like our relationships? We just don’t see it when we are that close.”
I thought of so many different ways to follow up this observation that I became "speechless." It could be that sometimes it takes an outside person to help us realize what is actually happening. It could be that sometimes things in our relationships start out so small that we dont catch them, they grow without us noticing and then one day - bam - they are right in our face and we cant figure out how that happened. Our horse doesnt start out running over us, it happens in increments when we dont pay attention and nip it in the bud. He just pushes the envelope ever so slowly until we say - "Hey! Enough!" So many ways to look at this.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Relationship advice
I was talking to an old friend on the phone today and I had to laugh about where we seek relationship advice. If we are single and we read a book from someone that is happily married doling out relationship advice, we say to ourselves - and our friends - "Oh, sure. She can say this because she is sitting in her house on the beach with a wonderful man bringing her coffee." If the writer is single, we say, "How would she know anything that could possibly help me, she obviously hasn't figured it out yet. Would you seek financial advice from someone that is bankrupt?"
How can anyone possibly know what I've been through? Right? Sometimes we just want to wallow in our misfortune. Other times, we can finally cut through the drama and see the wisdom in our situation. It may not have been of our choosing but we can learn and grow from our experiences. Anytime we are pushed out of our comfort zone, we evolve.
For me, writing stories has helped me see relationships more clearly. I am a visual person. When a writer helps me “see” a set of circumstances in my mind, I can hear the message. Making the same mistakes over and over is something I’d like to avoid.
I was recently thrown from a relationship. It’s hard to admit because then you open yourself up to, “What did I do wrong? How could I not have seen this? Why couldn’t he tell me the truth? What did she give him that I could not?” It is so appropriate that Adele is a super star, catapulted there by a bad relationship break up. That man made her a multi millionaire. What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow?
This set of circumstances inspired my horse/relationship stories. Many of us keep a clear head in with our work, our children, our pets but when it comes to intimate relationships – it’s all out the window. I’d love to hear from others, in order to share what we have learned. It doesn’t matter if we have manifested that prefect partnership or if we are still seeking. Join me.
How can anyone possibly know what I've been through? Right? Sometimes we just want to wallow in our misfortune. Other times, we can finally cut through the drama and see the wisdom in our situation. It may not have been of our choosing but we can learn and grow from our experiences. Anytime we are pushed out of our comfort zone, we evolve.
For me, writing stories has helped me see relationships more clearly. I am a visual person. When a writer helps me “see” a set of circumstances in my mind, I can hear the message. Making the same mistakes over and over is something I’d like to avoid.
I was recently thrown from a relationship. It’s hard to admit because then you open yourself up to, “What did I do wrong? How could I not have seen this? Why couldn’t he tell me the truth? What did she give him that I could not?” It is so appropriate that Adele is a super star, catapulted there by a bad relationship break up. That man made her a multi millionaire. What can I learn from this situation? How can I grow?
This set of circumstances inspired my horse/relationship stories. Many of us keep a clear head in with our work, our children, our pets but when it comes to intimate relationships – it’s all out the window. I’d love to hear from others, in order to share what we have learned. It doesn’t matter if we have manifested that prefect partnership or if we are still seeking. Join me.
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