Treats

If we know what makes our horse happy and we go out of our way to do it, then why is it a challenge to do those things in our relationship? I am assuming that we give our horses treats, grooming, nutritious feed and a dry place to sleep in order to create a bond, so that we get our needs met from the horse. What my horse can do for me, is be obedient on trail rides, cattle drives, competitions and whatever else I might want to do. This is probably not in her mind, just mine. It makes me feel good to give her a graham cracker or carrot after she has performed well. It satisfies something in me. It makes me feel fulfilled in some small way to scratch her where she likes it and take her out into the fresh grass.

I feel the same about relationships with people. It makes me feel good to cook my beloved's favorite food, or massage  his calves after a busy day or send a card to let him know I am thinking of him. These are like giving our horse treats.

I told a man I dated, that I really wanted to plan on doing something with him on Friday nights. It didnt matter what - a movie, a hike, a dinner, anything at all. I just wanted to know he would make time for me. He couldnt do it. Every week was a different reason why. When I pushed him on it, he said, " I dont want to. I used to do the Monday through Friday thing and I dont now." What he was saying is that, "I know you want something and I could give it but I dont want to. Your needs are not important to me." It would have been such a treat for me to have him available on those evenings. I would have wanted to treat him in return. Instead it became a point of contention instead of a place of bonding. Would we withhold food and water from our horse and expect him to perform for us?

Everyone likes to be treated. It makes us feel special in our lover's eyes. It makes us feel appreciated and nurtured. Give your mate the same attention you give your horse and watch the transformation in your relationship.

Behind every successful horse...

I was thinking about the quote "Behind every successful man is ...a  woman." This thought came to me as I was walking behind my horse using long lines. I thought, well behind every winning horse is a ...trainer...or rider...

We shouldn't think of the first quote as a criticism. What is the purpose of a realtionship of it isnt to find support and comfort?

For non-horse owners, long lining is kind of like driving a horse and carraige without the carriage. The trainer walks behind or near the horse using two very long line that go from the trainers hands and attach to the bit in the horse's mouth. It can a precursor to driving a carraige or can be a way of safely getting horses through their fear of obstacles or anything that scares them. Being on the ground allows the rider to stay safer in unpredictable situations.

Ok, so on with this. I used this technique to get Lakota over her fear of mud and water. I am riding and long lining her over water repeatedly to instill her confidence. When she gets scared I can see her take a peek to make sure I am still behind her. I talk to her reassuringly. I coax her when she gets stuck. Once in a while, I take a short whip and persuade her to try another step. I only do this when I know she is no longer afraid, just distracted.

When our mate needs support, we can be there offering our reassurance and helping instill confidence. We dont want to add to the fear or force them into something that is against their will. It could be a career move, or an investment decision or a new location. We want to help our loved one get past their fear in order to be successful and happy. Sometimes when we get wallowing in our emotions or paralyzed by indecision, we do need a kick in the pants - in a kind way.

Someday Lakota may be eventing or competing in trail obstacles. Her fear of the water would hinder her progress. I can feel happy that I was behind her and helped her conquer her fear with a loving, yet strong hand. We can be that in our relationships, too.

Time

I was at the barn tonight after a long day at work. I didnt have the energy to tack and begin training, so I just played a bit with Lakota and some long lines. I rigged up parts of an old harness and practiced a few moves. A friend told me a couple days ago that she read a trainer's tip. He said that working with your horse only 15 minutes a day was better than 2 hours twice a week. Makes sense to me.

Isnt our relationship like that? Doesnt our mate respond, seem happier and easier to get along with when we spend a few minutes every day expressing our affection and appreciation? If we only say, "I love you, or thank you, or I'm so glad you're here" on vacation or on special occasions, we wont have the consistency and intimacy we really desire. If everyday we could remember to take that 10-15 minutes to give gratitude to our love, what a wonderful life it would be. I know how it would make me feel  - treasured.

Making plans

I went to the barn today to work on transitions with Lakota. Since our little speed control problem on the cattle drive, I figured we should practice lope to trot, trot to walk, walk to lope, lope to stop - you know. Work on the brake system. I took her to the arena and mounted and after a couple minutes pushed her into a trot. She would have none of that. Lakota was throwing a fit. She hadnt been let out on grass for several days and that's all she could think about. We had worked on circling and softening in the arena the night before and she hadnt had her usual grass treat after. I had upset her routine. I one rein stopped her and dismounted. I grabbed a lunge rope and whip and quickly returned to transitions from the ground. I decided to use two line and work on driving or long lining. Stacia had worked Lakota through some attitude issues in this manner but I had never tried it. She immediately framed up and softened. Up to the trot, up to the lope, down to a walk. Ok now I had her going willingly...let's try the water.

I took her out to the back pasture where the road was flooded and the pasture was mucky. Perfect. Just the conditions that scared her. I could use the long lines from behind,  through her stirrups, up to her bridle and clipped to her bit. She saw the water from way off and halted. I let her relax and eat some grass along the roadway. I moved  her forward a few steps at a time, speaking reassuringly and letting her relax closer and closer. It was a sunny Saturday and I had all the time in the world. The flooded road was at least 100 yards of dark water so I decided to take her across sideways to start. This way she only had to cross about 6-8 ft of water and muck before landing in a patch of grass. I didnt let her escape either direction but just stand straight facing the water. I was calm and encouraging. It didnt take 20 minutes before she was crossing back and forth over the 8 ft section. Once she had that conquered, I turned her upstream and had her walk right down the deep part of the road lengthwise. She was great. The far end had a more boggy bottom and was another 10 minute exercise to cross. Each time she got her courage up and faced her fear, I let her have some grass.  We walked up and down this mucky road for about 30 minutes. I unhooked the lines and jumped back on her. Having a rider on board would be a different sensation. I was pleased that only after a minor hesitation did she splash and play and trot down the water filled road like a champ. I wish there had been someone to take a photo; it would have been pretty to see  her splashing through that water. We were both happy and having fun at the end of this lesson.

So now the relationship analogy. I was not prepared to be working in the water. I had my cowboy boots and jeans on for riding. My plan for the day was to work on transitions in the arena. At the end of this lesson I was mud and water up to my knees. My boots were soaked through, my jeans were 6" longer and filthy.

Sometimes you just have to be willing to shift gears in a heart beat. What if we have plans to go fishing or go to a game and we see that our partner needs help from us? What if our partner begins to tell us something that really needs more time and attention then we were planning? Are we able to switch our plans quickly and adapt to the moment for the benefit of our relationship? We dont want to rush our mate through a conversation because we wanted to do something else. It's good for us in the long run to change gears and put the time  in when the iron is hot - so to speak. With Lakota, I took advantage of a teachable moment. I was investing time into an issue we had that would come up again and again if I didnt deal with it then. It is so easy to sweep things under the rug in our relationship; to think, "I'll deal with it later. I'm busy right now, I have plans". 

Lakota is not the best horse and I do not pretend to be the best trainer. But we are partners right now. I could have whipped her when she became obstinate in the arena. I just put her energy to work. I kept myself safe and went on with a lesson.

Lakota teaches me to be a better person. I practice patience, kindness and loyalty with her. I get frustrated, I get tired. Those are the times I refrain from communicating with her through training. The same goes for relationship. There are times when we should count to ten or take a time out before we have a conversation. It does not mean that we avoid the conversation, it just means we calm down, think things over and present them respectfully with good intention. Reacting quickly, with sharp words that cut, is just like grabbing a whip and beating the horse when you dont get the response you want. It just makes the horse afraid and takes away that want to attitude. Being calm and consistent brings you closer together - with your lover or with your horse. Be flexible and adaptable. Think about the long term goal.

Crossing water

I went on a cattle drive last Sunday. It was a lot of fun. I had been anticipating having my own horse and going on a ride like this for years. It all came together inspite of trailering issues, pouring rain and a hectic work scheduling conflict. My horse, Lakota, had recently gotten over her fear of crossing water, or so I thought. Not ten minutes into the ride, she refused to cross a boggy stream. I couldn't believe it, well yes, I could. Are you kidding me? Everyone was already kidding me about having a mare and on top of that - a paint. all the cows and other horses were crossing the far pasture and now she panicked. She was equally afraid of the water and mud as she was of being left by the herd. She began to buck and rear up. This was not the time to train. I got off and led her across the water. Of course, in her hurry, she knocked me in the mud and I was soaked but we were across. I jumped back on and off we went.

I have had people tell me, "You should have jabbed her with spurs, you should have done this or that." We could have had a wreck and both gotten hurt. She was scared. You can't yell at a child and demand they stop being afraid of the dark. Fear is fear. I need to do more homework and get her over her fear in a safe place where neither of us gets injured. There is a time and place for everything.

If you are in a relationship and one of you shares a fear, you cant demand that that person get over it. Feeling safe emotionally and physically comes with consistency. Trust is built when a safe outcome can be expected over and over. I was upset at Lakota that day for sure but I did my best to get over it quickly. We've worked on the water issue. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Obviously, if she is still scared, then I have more work to do. There is no place for anger in training or communication.

If I had a lover that was afraid of abandonment because of something in his past, I would do my best to understand and be consistent. Consistency builds trust. On the flip side, I would expect him to look at at his fear and work with it on his end,also. Being willing to share our fears and conquering our fears together only makes us stronger and deepens our intimacy. Find the right time and the right place to heal these old wounds. I'm off to work on water with Lakota.

Perspective

Recently I took my horse to a trainer to help me work some stiffness out of my horse. I felt Lakota was heavy on the front end and wasn’t very supple. Her movements were rigid. I thought it must have to do with her reining background. I had a few other “bugs” I wanted to work out before trail riding season started.

Within the first two days, Stacia, my new trainer, said, “Lakota is ignoring you in the round pen, she is walking over you in the stall, she is fearful of anything on her right side, and she is resistant to making an effort.” I was aghast. Surely, I would have seen these things. When I watched Stacia work with Lakota, I could see how these things were true. I said to her, “I can’t believe I didn’t see this with her myself.” Stacia laughed and replied, “Isn’t this just like our relationships? We just don’t see it when we are that close.”

I thought of so many different ways to follow up this observation that I became "speechless." It could be that  sometimes it takes an outside person to help us realize what is actually happening. It could be that sometimes things in our relationships start out so small that we dont catch them, they grow without us noticing and then one day - bam - they are right in our face and we cant figure out how that happened. Our horse doesnt start out running over us, it happens in increments when we dont pay attention and nip it in the bud. He just pushes the envelope ever so slowly until we say - "Hey! Enough!" So many ways to look at this.