Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Problem or inconvenience?
What is the difference between an inconvenience and a problem? A matter of degree, I suppose. In my mind, a problem you need to deal with and an inconvenience or annoyance you just tolerate until it gets to be a problem, if it ever does.
When I first bought Lakota she didn’t want to come when called. That was a problem. Running around a field to catch her was not my idea of a good time. So I took her into the round pen and very quickly she learned to come when called. We had to practice it a few times in different locations but the result was the same, she comes when called.
Right now, if we are just heading out for a trail ride, she moves off a few steps as I am getting on. That is annoying but to me it isn’t a problem. As soon as we get very far she no longer has the urge to move off ahead of me. She gets crabby if I want to ride and it is feeding time. That is annoying. Sometimes she gets goofy when I put the saddle on or off the right side. That is annoying. If she wanted to buck, now that would be a problem. If she wanted to run away with me, that would be a problem.
To me, if I am going to get badly hurt, that is a problem. If there is a problem, I like to get it solved as soon as I can, so that Lakota and I can go back to having a wonderful partnership. If I am doing something wrong, or not communicating what I want clearly, then I need to fix my side of the problem. I could have put a piece of equipment on her that doesn’t fit or is uncomfortable. She could not be feeling well or be hurting. I need to take all that into consideration when figuring out how to handle the problem.
I have a friend whose horse fights being bridled every day. He is extremely head shy. To me that is a problem that needs to be fixed before he hurts her badly. A head shy horse that catches anything on his ears on a trail ride - like a branch or clothing - could totally flake out in fear and toss her. But to her, it is an inconvenience. That is their relationship, not mine.
In our partnerships it very similar. We all do things differently. The proverbial tooth paste squeezing is a perfect example. If you have a real problem that is hurting you in your relationship, you need to speak up in order to fix it. You can’t expect your lover to be a mind reader. If it is an annoyance, understand that you probably just have a different point of view. Accept your lover for all their individual, unique characteristics. Make a decision and state it clearly. Our horse can’t guess what we want and neither can our spouse. Am I really going to get hurt with this behavior or am I just going to be picking up dirty socks?
Sale Day
I think the most difficult day in the life of a horse owner can be the day that you decide to give up your mount. Of course, it depends on how attached you are and how much effort you have made to make the partnership work. It is similar to a relationship break up. At the end, it doesn't matter who did what; it just isn’t working for either of you. This is the day you decide to send him on down the road.
You think back on the day you brought him home. You were filled with joy, anticipation, dreams of the future together – your horse, that is. Everything was magical at the beginning. He was powerful, courageous, just gorgeous and you were so proud. You were a match made in heaven. After awhile things started going south. You couldn’t communicate. He wouldn’t listen. You didn’t feel that he was paying attention to you. You started getting louder or harsher. He became more rebellious and irritated. Eventually you wondered what you ever saw in him in the first place. Stupid Neanderthal. Someone else comes along that sees what you saw once and you hand over the reins and say “good riddance.”
If only it was that simple. Right?
I have had a couple horses that I had to sell and the rest lived out long healthy lives with us for over 25 years. The two I had to sell really broke my heart. Well one anyway. One was just mean and lazy and I should have seen that coming. I thought it was so great that he was so calm…until he tried to buck me off every time I asked him to show some effort. The other was a thoroughbred off the race track, London Breeze. A painting of him still hangs over my dining room table. My gosh, I loved that gelding. Opposite, oh yes. He would totally come unglued at the slightest noise or gum wrapper on the ground and run away with me, bucking all the while. I worked with him for four years, taking him from trainer to trainer. All I got from that was broken bones, hematomas and bruises. London could just not get his fear under control. His tendency to run and buck outweighed all my good intentions and exertion.
My ex-husband used to say, “I can’t believe you still love that horse. If I ever broke a bone of yours, you’d have sent me packing a long time ago.” It was so true.
Sometimes there is something about our partner that is detrimental to the relationship that we think we can fix, overlook or get used to at the beginning. Occasionally it is something that we don’t even see. I make the analogy between people running away – like getting in their cars and refusing to communicate and bucking – “seeing” other people on the side. That is a tendency that makes a real partnership impossible. You can only put up with running and bucking so long before you have to send that horse packing.
There is a time when you must decide how willing are you to spend more time trying to change a behavior. Is it a habit you can live with or not? Are you going to invest more energy into altering this pattern or accept that horse/person as is? Where do you see yourself with this partnership in the long run? How pleasurable will it be? Some people and horses have habits and predispositions that you will never change.
All your dreams may appear dashed for a short time until you find a new steed that is perfect for you. Once more, you mount up, feel the wind in your hair, fly across open fields and wind along wooded trails. You will always love the horse you sent away and realize they, too, are happier in their new life.
You think back on the day you brought him home. You were filled with joy, anticipation, dreams of the future together – your horse, that is. Everything was magical at the beginning. He was powerful, courageous, just gorgeous and you were so proud. You were a match made in heaven. After awhile things started going south. You couldn’t communicate. He wouldn’t listen. You didn’t feel that he was paying attention to you. You started getting louder or harsher. He became more rebellious and irritated. Eventually you wondered what you ever saw in him in the first place. Stupid Neanderthal. Someone else comes along that sees what you saw once and you hand over the reins and say “good riddance.”
If only it was that simple. Right?
I have had a couple horses that I had to sell and the rest lived out long healthy lives with us for over 25 years. The two I had to sell really broke my heart. Well one anyway. One was just mean and lazy and I should have seen that coming. I thought it was so great that he was so calm…until he tried to buck me off every time I asked him to show some effort. The other was a thoroughbred off the race track, London Breeze. A painting of him still hangs over my dining room table. My gosh, I loved that gelding. Opposite, oh yes. He would totally come unglued at the slightest noise or gum wrapper on the ground and run away with me, bucking all the while. I worked with him for four years, taking him from trainer to trainer. All I got from that was broken bones, hematomas and bruises. London could just not get his fear under control. His tendency to run and buck outweighed all my good intentions and exertion.
My ex-husband used to say, “I can’t believe you still love that horse. If I ever broke a bone of yours, you’d have sent me packing a long time ago.” It was so true.
Sometimes there is something about our partner that is detrimental to the relationship that we think we can fix, overlook or get used to at the beginning. Occasionally it is something that we don’t even see. I make the analogy between people running away – like getting in their cars and refusing to communicate and bucking – “seeing” other people on the side. That is a tendency that makes a real partnership impossible. You can only put up with running and bucking so long before you have to send that horse packing.
There is a time when you must decide how willing are you to spend more time trying to change a behavior. Is it a habit you can live with or not? Are you going to invest more energy into altering this pattern or accept that horse/person as is? Where do you see yourself with this partnership in the long run? How pleasurable will it be?
All your dreams may appear dashed for a short time until you find a new steed that is perfect for you. Once more, you mount up, feel the wind in your hair, fly across open fields and wind along wooded trails. You will always love the horse you sent away and realize they, too, are happier in their new life.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Giving
Now tell me, is this a work of art, or what? I enjoy my time with Lakota even if it is too windy and dusty to ride. I enjoy fussing over her. It is the way it makes me feel to see her happy.
It is the same with a partner. I love to cook and fuss over my companion. It is not what I get back from the doing, it is how I feel about the giving. It is something for all of us to remember. Do not give to get. You will be disappointed. Give for the joy of giving. Think about who you are choosing to be in the relationship. Are you choosing to be loving, kind, generous and supportive? We can all feel "in love" even if we are not with someone at this time. Love is a choice. We can open our hearts and be in love with the trees, the lakes, our pets, all of nature and its creatures. We dont have to wait for that romantic someone to arrive. Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, breathe deeply and allow your heart to open. Feel the tingle of being in love with all around you.
Now tell me, is this a work of art, or what? I enjoy my time with Lakota even if it is too windy and dusty to ride. I enjoy fussing over her. It is the way it makes me feel to see her happy.
It is the same with a partner. I love to cook and fuss over my companion. It is not what I get back from the doing, it is how I feel about the giving. It is something for all of us to remember. Do not give to get. You will be disappointed. Give for the joy of giving. Think about who you are choosing to be in the relationship. Are you choosing to be loving, kind, generous and supportive? We can all feel "in love" even if we are not with someone at this time. Love is a choice. We can open our hearts and be in love with the trees, the lakes, our pets, all of nature and its creatures. We dont have to wait for that romantic someone to arrive. Close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, breathe deeply and allow your heart to open. Feel the tingle of being in love with all around you.
Enthusiasm
Last night I couldn't wait to get to the barn to see my horse. Why? Because we had had such a perfect weekend together. I had enjoyed her more than I had any time before. I took her on trail rides and she hadn’t stopped to grab grass; she had loped away from the barn; she didn’t spook at all the scary junk cars and old farm equipment in the long grass. I had ridden her bareback and she had responded beautifully to every touch of my leg and shift in my weight. She was responsive and our communication was clear and harmonious. What a pleasure. I cant wait to see her again.
Isn’t that like our relationships? When you have had a weekend of arguing or conflict, how badly do you want to spend time with your mate on your next day off? I think you’ll be making other plans. But if you feel validated by your lover, you feel heard and respected by your conversations – you can’t wait to spend more time together.
Isn’t that like our relationships? When you have had a weekend of arguing or conflict, how badly do you want to spend time with your mate on your next day off? I think you’ll be making other plans. But if you feel validated by your lover, you feel heard and respected by your conversations – you can’t wait to spend more time together.
You can always choose between being right and being happy in a discussion. What is more important to you? Do you want your mate to be enthusiastic about spending time with you again or will you be making it a chore? It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your partner at all times, it only means that you are not willing to be drawn into conflict. Let your mate know that you hear them and respect them; you may choose to disagree but will not engage in negative feelings. You choose peace.
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